The Dating Game

By Al Felder

“Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing: and I will receive you” (2 Corinthians 6:17).

God has always called His people to be different—not different for attention, but different because we belong to Him. That difference reaches into every part of life: what we value, what we pursue, and how we make decisions. And it absolutely includes the way young people approach relationships.

If Christians follow the world’s relationship patterns, we should not be surprised when we experience the world’s relationship consequences—sexual sin before marriage, and then heartbreak, instability, and divorce after marriage. This isn’t just about personal pain. The health of families affects the strength of the church. And the strength of the church depends on the integrity of the homes within it.

So this subject is not small. It matters. And it deserves God’s wisdom—not cultural assumptions.

Dating is common, but God’s principles are constant

Much of what modern society calls “dating” trains young people to treat relationships like a pastime. It is often driven by attraction, attention, and emotion—sometimes with little thought about marriage at all. The relationship begins with private time, deep emotional attachment, and increasing physical closeness, while spiritual seriousness is often treated as optional.

God’s principles move in the opposite direction.

God’s wisdom emphasizes:

• marriage as the goal, not entertainment as the goal

• protection, not exposure

• purity, not pressure

• family order, not independence without accountability

When young people treat romance as a game, hearts are wounded, consciences are dulled, and habits form that do not magically disappear after a wedding.

Why the father’s role matters

A father’s responsibility is not to control his daughter, but to protect her. God designed fathers to be guardians—men who help their daughters make wise choices and avoid foolish traps. Even in many modern wedding ceremonies, you still hear a remnant of that idea in the question, “Who gives this woman to be married?” It reflects that a father’s consent and protection matter.

A father who ignores this area and simply “hopes for the best” is not fulfilling the role God gave him. Protection means oversight, guidance, wisdom, and involvement—especially when the world is working hard to awaken passions early and normalize what God calls sin.

A strong father-daughter relationship makes this possible. When a daughter respects her father, she is far more likely to receive his counsel rather than resent it. And when a father is engaged, he can help evaluate a young man’s character—his intentions, stability, spirituality, and readiness to be a husband.

God’s roles must be respected from the beginning

God is a God of order. Scripture teaches order in the home, and that order shouldn’t be ignored when relationships begin.

When a young man wants to pursue a young woman with marriage as the goal, maturity and honor require that he approach her father and make his intentions known. In modern practice, many people do this only at the end—after emotions are tangled, boundaries have blurred, and people have taken privileges that belong only to marriage.

That is backward.

A relationship pursued in honor involves transparency, seriousness, and respect for family authority. A young man shows character when he’s willing to do things the right way instead of the easy way.

The real danger is the flesh versus the Spirit

The greatest threat in modern dating isn’t merely tradition—it’s temptation.

When young people build relationships around attraction and private intimacy, they place themselves in a constant battle: desire pulling one way, conscience pulling the other. And most people are not as strong as they assume they are. The predictable result is crossing lines that should never be approached outside marriage.

Proverbs asks a piercing question: “Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?” (Proverbs 6:27). If someone keeps putting themselves in situations where purity is pressured, it becomes only a matter of time before the heart gets scorched.

This is why “dating for fun” is spiritually dangerous. It awakens passions that were designed for marriage, but it offers no covenant to contain them. It trains the mind and body to crave intimacy without commitment.

Guard your heart, not just your body

Purity is not only physical. It is also emotional and mental.

Many young people give away pieces of themselves long before marriage—through private conversations, constant texting, late-night messages, emotional dependence, and a level of intimacy that belongs to a covenant relationship. Our culture has created high intimacy with low commitment, and it leaves people emotionally frayed and spiritually compromised.

There are physical “firsts,” but there are emotional “firsts” too—first deep confiding, first romantic language, first exclusive affection, first “you’re my everything.” When those things are scattered across multiple relationships, people often enter marriage with less tenderness to give, less trust to offer, and more baggage to carry.

Wisdom says: save the deepest parts of yourself for the covenant that lasts.

Ask the right question

Many young people ask, “How far can we go?” That question usually reveals the heart behind it: How close can we get to sin without feeling guilty?

If the goal is holiness, that is the wrong question.

A better question is: “How can we best pursue purity and honor God?”

Scripture teaches that young men and women should treat one another with purity, not like spouses before they are spouses. If you are not husband and wife, you should not act like husband and wife.

Use youth the way God intended

Modern dating also consumes time and attention. It can become a cycle of drama, obsession, daydreaming, and emotional highs and lows that distracts young people from what matters most.

God’s command is simple: “Remember now thy Creator in the days of thy youth” (Ecclesiastes 12:1). Youth is a season of energy and opportunity. It is a time to build spiritual habits, deepen knowledge of Scripture, grow in self-control, and develop maturity.

Because later life brings weight—work, bills, marriage responsibilities, children, and burdens. Patterns built now shape the future home later. A person who builds discipline and holiness while single is preparing to bless a spouse rather than burden one.

When is it time to pursue a relationship?

A simple answer is this: when you believe you are ready for marriage.

That doesn’t mean you must already have everything perfect. But it does mean the goal is clear. If you are not ready to take marriage seriously, you are not ready for a romantic relationship that awakens attachment and temptation.

God’s way keeps the goal right: not a game, not entertainment, not attention—but building a home.

Practicing what is taught

Here are practical steps to apply these principles:

• Reset the goal: Don’t pursue relationships for entertainment—pursue marriage only when you are ready to honor it.

• Invite oversight early: Involve parents and faithful Christians before emotions take control.

• Set purity boundaries up front: Decide how you will honor God in time alone, physical affection, communication, and online interaction.

• Guard digital intimacy: Treat texting, DMs, and social media as part of purity—not separate from it.

• Use your youth for God: Build habits now—worship, study, service—that will strengthen your future marriage.

  
  

Reflection questions

1. Am I approaching relationships the way the world does—or the way God’s people should?

2. Have I treated romance like a game, consuming time and emotion without a marriage goal?

3. What boundaries do I need to set to guard purity—physically, emotionally, and digitally?

4. Am I asking “How far can I go?” or “How can I best pursue holiness?”

5. Am I using my youth to pursue God first, building habits that will bless my future spouse and children?