To Train Up a Child

By Al Felder

“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6).

That verse captures the goal of every Christian father and mother: to train children so thoroughly in God’s ways that faith becomes their lifelong path—not merely a childhood phase. Parenting is one of the highest responsibilities God gives, and it requires our best. Training does not start when children become “old enough to understand.” It begins the moment those precious little ones enter our care, and it continues until they are ready to establish a home of their own.

So, how do parents train children effectively according to the word of God? Scripture points to several principles that must be taken seriously if a home is going to be strong and children are going to be guided toward obedience to Christ.

1) Parents must be united

One of the quickest paths to chaos in the home is parental division. When a father and mother disagree on discipline, expectations, and consequences, confusion spreads—and children quickly learn to exploit it.

Consider what happens when one parent responds to disobedience immediately, while the other rushes in to intervene on the child's behalf. The child “wins,” the parents become more divided, and the rules become meaningless. Over time, children can become skilled at turning parents against each other, driving wedges into the marriage and harming the entire family.

What prevents this?

Parents must talk. They must decide together how the home will operate, what rules will be enforced, what consequences will follow, and what rewards will be given. God’s design is that husband and wife are “one flesh” (Ephesians 5:31). That oneness includes shared goals and shared plans for raising children.

And when parents genuinely cannot agree after discussion, God’s order still provides direction. The father is the head of the home, and a wife must not undercut her husband’s authority in front of the children. Respect for leadership must be modeled, or children will learn to despise it. That doesn’t mean a wise father ignores his wife’s insight; it means the home must never be run by competing authorities.

At times, a father may intentionally defer to the mother when he knows she has stronger discernment on a particular matter. That kind of consideration strengthens unity rather than weakening it. But the point remains: a divided home cannot properly train children.

2) Discipline is necessary—and discipline must have “teeth”

No serious discussion of child training can avoid the topic of discipline. Scripture is direct: “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes” (Proverbs 13:24). The Bible presents discipline not as cruelty, but as love.

The world objects to this. Our culture often treats biblical discipline as harsh, unloving, or outdated. But Scripture says otherwise:

“Withhold not correction from the child… Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell” (Proverbs 23:13–14).

God is not endorsing injury or abuse. The Bible nowhere condones serious bodily harm. The rod, carefully administered with love, purpose, and proper restraint, is meant to correct disobedience and help shape character. Discipline isn’t about anger. It’s about training.

When should discipline begin? Scripture says, “Chasten thy son while there is hope” (Proverbs 19:18). That means correction cannot be postponed until a child is large, stubborn, and hardened. As soon as a child is old enough to understand “no,” and willfully disobeys, a simple swat establishes a crucial truth early: disobedience has consequences. That lesson helps later when the child must learn to resist sin and submit to God.

3) Fathers have a direct responsibility from God

God speaks directly to fathers: “Ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).

The father is the head of the home, and he will answer to God for what happens within his household. That means he must be aware, present, and active in training. When a father is home, he should lead in discipline and instruction. When he is away, the mother naturally acts in his stead. But a father must never be negligent when he is present.

The command includes two keywords:

• Nurture: training with structure—discipline with backbone. It is a correction backed by consequences.

• Admonition: instruction—teaching God’s word, shaping conscience, and forming convictions.

A father should set aside time as often as possible to lead the family spiritually: reading Scripture together, discussing what it means, praying for needs and thanksgivings, and even singing together as a family. Over time, few things will shape a home more than a father who consistently leads his family toward God.

4) Do not provoke children to wrath

Colossians adds: “Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged” (Colossians 3:21). A father can train in ways that break a child’s spirit instead of shaping the child’s character. One of the most common ways this happens is through inconsistency.

Inconsistency produces confusion and anger

When a rule is enforced one day and ignored the next, children don’t know where they stand. The same action yields different outcomes depending on a parent’s mood, energy, or convenience. That unpredictability breeds frustration—and it often leads to rebellion.

Inconsistent discipline is frequently the fruit of laziness. Discipline takes effort, planning, and persistence. Parents live in a culture that expects instant results, and when improvement doesn’t happen in a few days, some give up. But training takes time. Progress comes through steady, consistent enforcement.

Too many rules can sabotage discipline

God gave Adam and Eve one rule in Eden. God gave Israel the Ten Commandments as the foundation of life. The principle is simple: a few clear rules consistently enforced will train better than many rules rarely enforced. A parent can accomplish more by enforcing one rule faithfully than by maintaining a long list that collapses under inconsistency. Add rules gradually as children learn obedience.

Encouragement must accompany correction

Scripture gives commands with promises and encouragement (Ephesians 6:1–3). Parents should learn from that. If all a child hears is correction, criticism, and disappointment, discouragement will grow. It is easy to notice wrong; it takes more intention to notice right. But children need to be commended when they obey, show kindness, tell the truth, work hard, and demonstrate growth. Recognition strengthens the heart and provokes children toward good works rather than anger.

5) Keep communication open

Training requires a relationship, and a relationship requires communication. Constant communication was part of God’s command to Israel:

“Thou shalt teach them diligently… and shalt talk of them when thou sittest… when thou walkest… when thou liest down… when thou risest up” (Deuteronomy 6:6–7).

That is a daily conversation. It uses everyday moments of life to teach God’s ways. When children feel free to talk with their parents, training becomes more effective. They can ask questions, seek wisdom, and receive counsel. Over time, a strong bond forms—one that can last long after children are grown.

Conclusion: you are training future Christian parents

Christian parents are not merely raising kids—they are shaping future mothers and fathers. Children learn how to handle temptation, solve problems, repent when wrong, and treat others by watching their parents live. That means parents must be genuine.

Children should see how you handle mistakes, including your willingness to admit wrong and correct them. They should see humility and repentance, not perfectionism and pretending. As children grow, discipline moves from strict structure toward self-discipline. Parents gradually back off as children assume responsibility, practice what they’ve been taught, and learn to face the consequences of their actions—good or bad.

This is the goal: to train children in God’s ways so deeply that when they are old, they will not depart from them.