What Every Young Woman Should Look For in a Young Man

By Al Felder 

“And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her” (Genesis 29:20).

Our society is built around convenience—getting what we want when we want it. Patience is treated like a weakness, and determination is often replaced with shortcuts. But Genesis reminds us that Jacob’s willingness to work and wait was not meaningless; it showed the kind of seriousness marriage deserves.

Marriage is not a casual arrangement. It is a lifelong covenant between a man and a woman, and it shapes everything that follows—your spiritual stability, your peace in the home, and the kind of environment your children will be raised in. That means a young woman must be careful, intentional, and wise in choosing a young man.

Our culture often sells young women an image: broad-chested, empty-headed, shallow men—overgrown boys dressed up as “real men.” But God’s word gives a different standard. There are things a man must be before he is qualified to assume the role of a husband and father.

This is not an exhaustive list of every virtue that matters, but there are four foundational characteristics that must be present—or at least clearly developing—before a young man is truly suitable for marriage as God designed it:

1. He must be a Christian.

2. He must be committed to biblical leadership.

3. He must be a protector.

4. He must be a provider.

A man who lacks these traits is failing the basic “job description” God laid out for husbands.

1) Look first for a truly Christian young man

This point must be handled carefully, as the word 'Christian' is used lightly today. Many people claim the name while having little understanding of what it means or entails.

A Christian is a follower of Christ. That means his life is no longer centered on self, but on Jesus. His beliefs, priorities, moral standards, goals, and decisions are shaped by what God says—not simply by what he prefers. A Christian understands that faith is not lip service. It is obedience, sacrifice, and commitment to bring honor and glory to God (Acts 11:26; 1 Peter 4:16).

Why is this the first and most important requirement?

Because the husband is called to reflect Christ in the home: “For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church” (Ephesians 5:23). A man who does not belong to Christ cannot lead like Christ. He cannot reflect on what he does not follow.

And here is the reality many ignore until it is too late: when a Christian joins life with someone who is not truly devoted to God, two opposing spiritual directions exist under one roof. Those directions eventually collide—over worship, modesty, moral boundaries, friendships, entertainment, finances, the training of children, and the home's purpose itself.

Scripture asks a simple question: “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” (Amos 3:3). Marriage is the most serious partnership on earth. A young woman should not enter it hoping spiritual problems will “work out later.”

So the first filter is clear: look for a young man who truly belongs to Christ.

2) Look for a young man committed to biblical leadership

Biblical leadership is often misunderstood in two opposite ways.

Some men undervalue leadership. They shrink from it, avoid it, and quietly let the wife carry the spiritual load, the emotional load, and often even the financial burden. That is not leadership—it is neglect.

Other men overvalue leadership. They turn it into control and act like headship means barking orders while everyone else exists to serve them. That is not biblical leadership either. That is pride.

True biblical leadership is rooted in the word of God and shaped by Christ. Scripture says a man must not be a hearer only, but a doer (James 1:23–24). If a man is committed to Scripture, it will show. His character will have visible fruit.

A godly leader must also have vision: “Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he” (Proverbs 29:18). Leadership means you are headed somewhere. A man must have a spiritual direction for his life—and eventually for his home. At its most basic level, that direction must include regular Bible reading and prayer.

And here is the truth: that will not happen by accident.

Family life is demanding. Schedules are full. People rush from work to obligations to chores to exhaustion. If a man has no plan to study Scripture, it will be neglected. A man committed to leadership will intentionally build spiritual structure into life rather than “hoping it happens.”

Biblical leadership is also selfless: “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it” (Ephesians 5:25). Christ’s leadership was a sacrifice. It was patience. It was a restraint. It was a willingness to do what was best for others.

One practical indicator of selfishness is how a young man responds to authority. If he refuses to submit to rules and constantly pushes against boundaries—especially in a girlfriend’s home—he is revealing an attitude that does not translate into healthy leadership later. A home cannot be safely led by a man who cannot govern himself.

A young woman should also observe his view of children. Scripture places responsibility on fathers: “Bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). A man should be willing to have children, support children, train children, and discipline children. Watch how he interacts with kids. Does he delight in them? Does he show patience? Or does he treat children as interruptions?

A man who is committed to biblical leadership will show it now—not merely promise it later.

3) Look for a young man who is a protector

Protection is more than physical strength. It includes spiritual discernment, moral courage, and a willingness to stand in the gap.

Genesis offers a sobering lesson in the fall. Eve was deceived, but Adam was held responsible as the leader. God addressed Adam first, showing that leadership carries accountability. A man’s failure to lead is not a small failure—it is a failure that exposes the whole home.

A protector understands that the success or failure of the home rests heavily upon him. He does not shift blame to his wife. He does not pass responsibility to others. He recognizes that leadership includes guarding what is entrusted to him.

So how can a young woman discern whether a man will be a protector?

• Is he committed to righteousness? A man who is careful about his own spiritual life will be careful about the spiritual safety of those under his care.

• How does he treat the weak? Does he overlook them, mock them, or use them? Or does he show compassion and responsibility?

• How does he treat the powerful? Does he fear men and change his convictions to fit the room? Or does he speak truth with courage?

A protector does not have to be loud. He does not have to be aggressive. But he must be brave enough to do what is right when it costs him.

4) Look for a young man who is a provider

Scripture is direct: “But if any provide not for his own, and especially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel” (1 Timothy 5:8).

Provision is not about being rich. It is about being responsible. Biblical manhood is characterized by a willingness to work, a willingness to bear burdens, and a refusal to let the home collapse under neglect.

This also means a man must have the maturity to resist society’s pressure to chase endless accumulation. A provider is not a workaholic who sacrifices his family on the altar of money. That is not provision—it is abandonment with a paycheck.

A true provider works to meet the family's basic needs and build stability in the home. And one of the greatest forms of provision a man can offer is the kind that many people no longer value: the ability for his wife to guide the home. A man who embraces his role makes it possible for his wife to embrace hers.

Practicing what is taught

If you’re a young woman trying to apply these principles in real life, here are practical steps that bring clarity:

• Use the four foundations as non-negotiables. Don’t date, hoping someone becomes what he is not currently striving to be.

• Watch patterns more than promises. Words are easy; consistent character is rare.

• Pay attention to his relationship with authority. A man who cannot control himself will not lead a home well.

• Observe his faith in ordinary life. Does he love worship? Is he serious about holiness? Is he disciplined in speech and conduct?

• Have honest conversations early. What does he believe about marriage roles, children, discipline, modesty, and spiritual priorities?