What Should the Tamars Do?

Al Felder
May 13, 2025
3 min read

Tamar remained desolate in her brother Absalom’s house.”— 2 Samuel 13:20

The story of Tamar, the daughter of King David, is one of grief, injustice, and silence. She was used, violated, and cast aside. And perhaps most tragically, her story ends with her living in desolation, unavenged and unseen.

But Tamar’s story is not just a distant biblical tragedy. It's an honest and devastating mirror of what continues today in churches, families, and communities. The question we must ask ourselves is not only why this happened, but what should the Tamars do now?

A Pattern of Silence

Tamar was the victim of sexual assault by her half-brother, Amnon. Despite her resistance, her pleas for decency, and her status as a daughter of the king, she was overpowered and then discarded. David, her father and Israel's king, was angry—but did nothing. Absalom, her full brother, told her to be quiet. And Tamar lived the rest of her life desolate and silenced.

Her story is repeated too often in our modern world: abuse, silence, denial, and shame. Victims are frequently told to forget, to forgive quickly, to stay quiet for the good of the family or the church. But that’s not biblical justice. That’s suppression.

Understanding Forgiveness and Justice

Many misuse the word “forgiveness” to force victims into silence or to protect abusers. True forgiveness, according to Scripture, is not unconditional amnesia. Forgiveness is tied to repentance—a change of heart demonstrated by fruit (Luke 17:3-4; Matthew 3:8).

We often blend biblical ideas like mercy, justice, judgment, repentance, and accountability and call it “forgiveness.” But the Bible is clear:

Forgiveness requires repentance.
Repentance requires action.
And restoration of the relationship is only possible when sin is acknowledged.

If the offender is unrepentant, the victim is not commanded to reconcile or restore what the abuser refuses to repair.

What Should the Tamars Do?

For victims of abuse, especially minors, tell someone you trust. That trusted adult should report the abuse to civil authorities. Some ask if it's wrong to involve the law when the abuser is a Christian. The answer is no.

Romans 13 teaches us that the authorities are God's servants to punish evildoers. Reporting a crime is not vengeance but obedience to God's justice. The church has no business covering up criminal sin.

What Should the Church Do?

Listen and Support. Be like Job’s friends—before they opened their mouths. Sit, weep, and walk with the wounded.
Report Abuse. Follow the law and biblical teaching. Silence is not love—it’s complicity.
Discipline the Guilty. The Bible commands the church to withdraw fellowship from unrepentant abusers (1 Corinthians 5:5, 11). We protect the innocent and extend an opportunity for the guilty to repent.
Demand Fruit of Repentance. Real change requires real fruit. Empty apologies are not enough.

Let Us Not Fail the Tamars

Statistics show that one in three women and one in six men will experience sexual abuse. Many of them are sitting in our pews. They're watching how we respond—not just with our words but actions.

Tamar's story should never repeat itself. But when it does, the church must not become David—angry but inactive. We must not become Absalom—quieting the victim instead of confronting the guilty.

Instead, let us be like Christ—He who sees, defends, heals, and restores.