How Should Christians Forgive Those Who Hurt Them?
- Al Felder
- Jun 6
- 7 min read
By Al Felder
Being hurt by another person is one of the hardest places to practice Christianity. It is one thing to talk about forgiveness in general. It is another thing to forgive when the wound has a name, a face, a memory, and a history.
Someone lied. Someone betrayed trust. Someone spoke cruelly. Someone spread gossip. Someone acted selfishly. Someone sinned and left damage behind.
In those moments, forgiveness is not theoretical. It becomes a test of faith, humility, obedience, and trust in God.
The Bible does not command Christians to pretend the hurt did not happen. It does not teach that sin is harmless. It does not require wounded people to abandon wisdom. But it does call the forgiven to forgive. That means Christians must learn how to respond to real wrongs in a way that honors God.
Start With What God Has Done for You
The Christian’s forgiveness of others must begin with God’s forgiveness of us. Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” Colossians 3:13 says, “Even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.”
That phrase, “as God in Christ forgave you,” is the foundation. We do not forgive because the wrong was small. We forgive because our debt before God was great. We do not forgive because the offender deserves mercy. We forgive because God showed us mercy in Christ.
This does not minimize the hurt. It magnifies grace.
When we remember how much God has forgiven us, pride begins to weaken. We remember that we were not innocent people in need of minor adjustments. We were sinners who needed blood, mercy, cleansing, and release. The cross teaches us how serious sin is and how great forgiveness is.
Tell the Truth About the Wrong
Biblical forgiveness does not begin by denying reality. A Christian should not say, “It was nothing,” when it was something. Sin must be named honestly.
Jesus said, “If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him” (Luke 17:3). That instruction is important. The Lord does not say, “Ignore it.” He does not say, “Pretend it never happened.” He says sin may need to be addressed.
Truth matters because forgiveness is not the same thing as denial. If someone has sinned, calling it sin is not bitterness. Sometimes the loving thing is to speak honestly, calmly, and scripturally about what happened.
A forgiving heart does not have to erase truth. It must refuse vengeance.
Release Personal Vengeance
The heart naturally wants repayment when it has been hurt. It wants the offender to feel the same pain. It wants to punish, withdraw, expose, shame, or keep the offense alive. That desire for personal repayment is one of the greatest dangers after being wronged.
Romans 12:19 says, “Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath.” God does not say evil does not matter. He says vengeance belongs to Him.
To forgive means we release the personal claim to revenge. We stop trying to make the person pay us emotionally. We stop feeding bitterness. We stop rehearsing the wrong as fuel for anger. We stop sitting in God’s seat.
This does not mean justice disappears. It means we trust the Judge.
Refuse Bitterness Before It Takes Root
Bitterness often feels justified. It tells us, “After what they did, you have a right to be this way.” But bitterness does not heal the wound. It deepens it. It chains the heart to the offense and lets someone else’s sin continue shaping our spirit.
Hebrews 12:15 warns about a “root of bitterness” springing up and causing trouble. Bitterness rarely stays private. It affects speech, worship, relationships, judgment, and peace. It can make a person suspicious, harsh, cynical, and spiritually exhausted.
Forgiveness is one way God protects the heart from bitterness. It allows us to grieve honestly without becoming vengeful. It allows us to remember wisely without becoming enslaved. It allows us to seek peace without surrendering truth.
Forgive Without Excusing Sin
Christians sometimes hesitate to forgive because they think forgiveness excuses what happened. But forgiveness does not mean the sin was acceptable. It does not mean the hurt was insignificant. It does not mean the offender was right.
The cross proves that God never treats sin lightly. Forgiveness required the blood of Christ. Therefore, when Christians forgive, they are not saying sin does not matter. They are saying sin matters so much that it must be handled God’s way.
You can forgive and still say, “That was wrong.”You can forgive and still grieve the damage. You can forgive and still require honesty. You can forgive and still maintain boundaries. You can forgive and still wait for trust to be rebuilt.
Forgiveness is not moral confusion. It is mercy governed by truth.
Forgive Without Pretending Trust Is Restored
Forgiveness and trust are related, but they are not the same. Forgiveness can be extended from a heart that obeys God. Trust must be rebuilt by faithfulness.
If someone has lied repeatedly, trust cannot be demanded immediately. If someone has harmed others, safeguards may be needed. If someone has broken confidence, they may need time to prove reliability. That is not unforgiveness. That is wisdom.
Jesus taught His disciples to be “wise as serpents and harmless as doves” (Matthew 10:16). The Christian must be harmless—not cruel, vindictive, or bitter. But the Christian must also be wise—not naïve, careless, or easily manipulated.
Forgiveness releases vengeance. Trust requires evidence of change.
Seek Peace Where Righteousness Allows
Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.” That verse gives both a command and a limitation.
The command is clear: Christians should seek peace. We should not love conflict. We should not enjoy distance, resentment, or division. We should be willing to humble ourselves, speak truth, forgive, and pursue restoration.
But the limitation is also clear: “if it is possible.” Sometimes peace is not fully possible because the other person refuses repentance, continues in sin, or will not deal honestly. In those cases, the Christian can still keep a forgiving heart, refuse vengeance, and act righteously, even if full reconciliation has not occurred.
Peace must be pursued, but not at the expense of truth.
Pray for the One Who Hurt You
Jesus taught His disciples to love their enemies and pray for those who mistreat them (Matthew 5:44). That is not easy. Prayer for an offender may be one of the hardest forms of obedience.
But prayer changes the posture of the heart. It is difficult to remain consumed with vengeance while sincerely praying for someone’s repentance, salvation, growth, and good. Prayer does not erase accountability. It does not mean the relationship is restored. It does not mean the wrong was small. But it helps the wounded person place the situation before God.
A Christian can pray, “Lord, help them repent.”A Christian can pray, “Lord, help me not become bitter.”A Christian can pray, “Lord, give me wisdom.”A Christian can pray, “Lord, let justice and mercy be handled according to Your will.”
Prayer keeps the hurt from becoming the ruler of the heart.
Remember That Forgiveness May Be a Process
Some wounds are deeper than others. Some wrongs are quickly addressed and resolved. Others leave long-lasting grief. While forgiveness must be obeyed, the emotional healing it entails may take time.
A Christian may have to repeatedly surrender bitterness to God. Old memories may resurface. New consequences may appear. The offender may remain unrepentant. In those moments, forgiveness may require renewed obedience: “I will not take vengeance. I will not nurse hatred. I will trust God again today.”
This is not hypocrisy. It is spiritual warfare. The heart must be trained to obey God even when pain remains.
Let God’s Forgiveness Shape Your Speech
One of the clearest signs of unforgiveness is speech. When someone has hurt us, we may be tempted to speak in ways that punish them. We may exaggerate, gossip, mock, or keep the offense alive in every conversation.
Ephesians 4 connects forgiveness with speech. Before commanding Christians to forgive one another, Paul says, “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification” (Ephesians 4:29). Then he says to put away bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, evil speaking, and malice (Ephesians 4:31).
Forgiveness should affect how we talk. It does not require hiding sin that must be addressed. But it does forbid using speech as revenge.
The forgiven should not become slanderers.
Let God Handle the Final Accounting
One reason forgiveness is possible is that God sees everything. Nothing is hidden from Him. He knows the truth more fully than we do. He sees motives, words, actions, wounds, lies, repentance, and hypocrisy. He will judge rightly.
That is why Christians do not have to carry the burden of final justice. God is able to handle what we cannot. Forgiveness is an act of faith because it places the final accounting in His hands.
The world often says, “Do not let them get away with it.” Scripture says God is the Judge. If repentance comes, God’s mercy is great. If rebellion continues, God’s judgment is certain. Either way, the Christian does not need to be ruled by vengeance.
Live as One Whose Debt Was Canceled
Jesus’ parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18 is sobering. A servant was forgiven an impossible debt, but he refused to show mercy to someone who owed him far less. The problem was not that the second debt was unreal. It was real. But the forgiven servant had failed to be shaped by the mercy he received.
That parable should search every Christian’s heart.
Have we received mercy but refused to show it? Have we rejoiced in our canceled debt while collecting emotional debts from others? Have we forgotten how much God forgave us?
Christians forgive because they are a forgiven people. The debt God canceled through Christ must become the pattern for how we treat others.
Forgiveness by God’s Design
So how should Christians forgive those who hurt them?
Tell the truth. Release vengeance. Refuse bitterness. Pray for the offender. Seek peace where possible. Maintain wisdom and boundaries where needed. Let trust be rebuilt through faithfulness. Remember the cross. Live like your own debt was canceled.
Biblical forgiveness is not weak. It is not careless. It is not pretending. It is obedience rooted in the mercy of God.
The Christian does not forgive because sin is small. The Christian forgives because Christ is great, God is Judge, and mercy has been received.
That is forgiveness by God’s design.
Reflection Questions
Why is it important to begin with God’s forgiveness before thinking about forgiving others?
How can a Christian tell the truth about a wrong without becoming bitter?
What does Romans 12:19 teach about releasing vengeance?
Why is bitterness spiritually dangerous?
How can forgiveness and wise boundaries exist together?
Why is restored trust different from forgiveness?
How does prayer help reshape the heart of someone who has been hurt?
What kind of speech might reveal that bitterness is still present?
How does Matthew 18 challenge the way we respond to people who owe us a “debt”?
What is one specific step you can take to forgive someone God’s way?
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