What Should Parents Teach Their Children About Anger?

By Al Felder

Children need to learn how to handle anger. Anger is powerful. It can affect words, actions, judgment, relationships, and spiritual decisions. A child who is not taught to govern anger may learn to shout, insult, strike, blame, threaten, withdraw, destroy, or seek revenge whenever he does not get his way.

Parents must not treat uncontrolled anger as merely a personality trait. Statements such as “He just has a temper,” “She is strong-willed,” or “That is simply how he expresses himself” can excuse behavior that needs correction. Children must learn that strong feelings do not remove responsibility. Anger may explain a temptation, but it does not justify sin.

Ephesians 4:26 says, “Be angry, and do not sin.” That verse shows that anger itself is not always sinful. There are times when anger is connected to injustice, cruelty, dishonesty, or rebellion against God. Anger becomes sinful when it rules the heart, distorts judgment, produces cruel words, leads to revenge, or refuses to be corrected. Parents must teach children not merely to stop looking angry, but to bring anger under the authority of God.

Anger Is Not Always Sinful

Children should learn that anger is not automatically wrong. Jesus showed anger when He saw hard hearts and sinful conduct. Mark 3:5 says He looked upon certain people “with anger, being grieved by the hardness of their hearts.” His anger was not selfish, uncontrolled, or cruel. It was connected to righteousness and grief over sin.

This helps children understand the difference between righteous concern and selfish rage. A child may rightly feel upset when someone is mistreated. He may feel angry when someone lies about him. He may be disturbed by cruelty, bullying, dishonesty, or injustice. Those feelings must still be governed, but the feelings themselves are not necessarily sinful.

Parents should help children ask why they are angry:

Am I angry because something truly wrong happened?

Am I angry because I did not get my way?

Am I angry because I was corrected?

Am I angry because someone else received attention?

Am I angry because I feel embarrassed?

Am I angry because I want control?

These questions help children examine the heart. Most childhood anger is not righteous anger. It is frustrated self-will.

Anger Often Reveals a Desire for Control

Children commonly become angry when they cannot control the situation.

They may be told no. They may be required to stop playing. They may have to share. They may be corrected. They may lose a game. They may have to wait.

They may not receive what they expected. In those moments, anger often says, “I should be in control.”

James 4:1 asks, “Where do wars and fights come from among you?” The answer points to desires that battle within. Many conflicts begin because people want something and do not receive it.

Children need to learn that they are not entitled to control everyone around them. They do not have the right to become cruel simply because someone disagrees, denies a request, or interrupts a plan. Parents should teach children to recognize selfish anger. A child who explodes when told "no" is not merely disappointed; he may be demanding control. A child who becomes furious when corrected may be resisting authority. A child who attacks others after losing may be ruled by pride. Anger often exposes what the heart wants most.

Children Must Learn to Be Slow to Anger

The Bible repeatedly praises restraint. James 1:19 says, “Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.” Children need to learn this pattern:

Listen first.

Speak slowly.

Do not react immediately.

Do not assume the worst.

Do not answer anger with anger.

Do not let the first feeling make the final decision.

Proverbs 14:29 says, “He who is slow to wrath has great understanding, but he who is impulsive exalts folly.” Quick anger is not strength. It is often foolishness without restraint.

Parents can teach children practical ways to slow down. A child may need to stop speaking, sit quietly, breathe, pray, move away from the conflict, or ask for help. These actions do not solve the heart problem on their own, but they create space for self-control and wisdom. A child should learn that he does not have to obey anger.

Angry Words Can Cause Deep Harm

Children must learn that words spoken in anger matter. A child may say, “I hate you,” “You are stupid,” “I wish you were gone,” or “Nobody likes you.” Later, he may claim that he did not mean it, but words can still wound even when spoken impulsively.

Proverbs 12:18 says, “There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword, but the tongue of the wise promotes health.” Angry words can pierce like weapons. Parents must not dismiss cruel speech as harmless venting. Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification.” That command applies even when emotions are strong.

Children need to learn that anger does not give permission to insult, mock, curse, threaten, or belittle others. Parents should correct angry speech clearly:

You may be upset, but you may not speak with contempt.

You may explain what happened, but you may not call names.

You may ask for help, but you may not threaten.

You may disagree, but you must speak respectfully.

These boundaries teach that emotions must remain under moral control.

Physical Aggression Must Be Corrected

Anger can also become physical. Children may hit, kick, push, bite, throw objects, slam doors, damage property, or act aggressively toward siblings and parents. These actions must not be ignored.

Genesis 4 records the danger of anger in Cain. God warned him that sin was lying at the door and that he must rule over it. Cain refused, and his anger grew into murder. The lesson is serious: uncontrolled anger does not remain small simply because it begins with a feeling.

Parents must intervene when anger becomes physical. The child must be stopped, corrected, and taught safer ways to respond. Aggression should never be treated as acceptable because the child was provoked. Another person’s wrong does not authorize violence. Romans 12:17 says, “Repay no one evil for evil.” Children must learn that they are responsible for their response, even when someone else behaved badly first.

Anger Must Not Become Bitterness

Some anger explodes quickly, while other anger is stored. A child may become silent, distant, resentful, or determined never to forgive. He may replay the offense, imagine revenge, or use past wrongs as weapons in future arguments.

This kind of anger can become bitterness.

Ephesians 4:31 says, “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you.” Bitterness is not safer simply because it is quiet. It can harden the heart and poison relationships. Parents should help children talk honestly about hurt. They should listen carefully, establish what happened, correct the wrong, and guide the child toward forgiveness.

Parents must also teach children not to nurture resentment. A child should not be allowed to keep punishing someone who has apologized and changed. He should not repeatedly bring up forgiven wrongs to gain control. Anger must be addressed before it becomes part of the child’s identity.

Parents Should Teach the Difference Between Anger and Rebellion

Not every emotional outburst is the same. A tired young child may become overwhelmed. An older child may feel genuine hurt. Another child may be openly resisting authority. Parents need wisdom to distinguish weakness, immaturity, distress, and rebellion.

Compassion must not become an excuse for sin. A child may be tired and still need correction for hitting. He may be frustrated and still need correction for disrespect. He may feel misunderstood and still need to tell the truth. He may be embarrassed and still need to obey.

Parents can acknowledge the feeling without approving the behavior. “I understand that you are disappointed, but you may not shout.” “I know that hurt you, but you may not hit.” “You may be angry, but you must still obey.” This teaches children that feelings are real but not sovereign.

Correction Should Not Be Given in Uncontrolled Anger

Parents must also examine their own anger. It is difficult to teach self-control while correcting children with shouting, insults, threats, humiliation, or physical harshness. Parents who discipline in rage may teach children that anger gives authority to hurt others.

James 1:20 says, “For the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” Uncontrolled parental anger does not produce godly character. Parents should correct firmly, but they must remain governed. If a parent is too angry to speak wisely, it may be better to pause briefly before addressing the matter. That pause should not become neglect, but correction should come from purpose rather than fury.

Ephesians 6:4 warns fathers not to provoke children to wrath. Parents can provoke anger through unfairness, inconsistency, ridicule, favoritism, impossible expectations, or refusing to listen. Parents must not demand from children the self-control they refuse to practice themselves.

Parents Must Model Repentance

Even faithful parents sometimes have misplaced anger. They may speak too sharply, judge too quickly, or respond out of irritation rather than wisdom. When that happens, they should admit it.

A parent can say, “I was right to correct what you did, but I was wrong in the way I spoke. I should not have shouted. Please forgive me.” This does not erase the child’s wrongdoing. It shows that both parent and child remain accountable to God.

Children need to see that repentance is not weakness. It is the proper response to sin. James 5:16 says, “Confess your trespasses to one another.” A parent who apologizes sincerely teaches humility, truthfulness, and responsibility.

Anger Should Lead to Righteous Action, Not Sinful Reaction

When anger is connected to something truly wrong, children should learn how to respond properly. If someone is being bullied, seek help. If someone lies, tell the truth. If a sibling is mistreated, defend without revenge. If a rule is unfair, speak respectfully. If someone sins, address the matter according to Scripture.

Righteous anger should move toward truth, protection, correction, and restoration. It should not become hatred, violence, or vengeance. Jesus cleansed the temple because God’s house was being dishonored. His action was purposeful and righteous, not a loss of control. Children must learn that simply feeling strongly does not make their reaction right. Even when the cause is just, the response must still please God.

Anger Must Be Resolved

Ephesians 4:26-27 says, “Do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.” Anger should not be allowed to remain unresolved and grow. This does not mean every complex conflict can be completely solved before bedtime. It does mean anger should not be deliberately fed, protected, or used as an excuse to withdraw indefinitely.

Parents should teach children to address conflict:

Tell the truth.

Listen.

Admit wrong.

Apologize.

Forgive.

Make restitution where needed.

Seek help when the matter cannot be resolved alone.

These habits prevent anger from becoming a permanent division.

Anger Requires Forgiveness

Children who are hurt must learn to forgive. Forgiveness does not mean pretending nothing happened. It does not mean removing all consequences or instantly restoring trust, but it does mean rejecting revenge and refusing to hold the offense as a weapon.

Colossians 3:13 says, “Forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.” Forgiveness is one of the greatest protections against bitterness. Parents should help children understand that they may need time to calm down, but they cannot choose hatred as a way of life. They must learn to let go of vengeance and seek peace, where repentance makes reconciliation possible.

Anger Points to the Need for a Changed Heart

Parents must not be satisfied with merely stopping an outburst. The deeper goal is a changed heart. A child may learn to outwardly suppress anger while harboring pride, resentment, or a desire for revenge. He may become quiet but not peaceful. He may avoid punishment without learning righteousness.

Jesus taught that evil actions come from the heart. Anger must therefore be addressed at its source:

What did the child want?

What was he afraid of?

What did he believe he deserved?

Why did the correction offend him?

What truth from Scripture should govern the heart?

Parents should teach children to pray for help, remember God’s mercy, submit desires to His will, and choose love over retaliation. Self-control is not simply emotional management. It is part of spiritual character.

Teaching Children to Respond Like Christ

Jesus suffered injustice without becoming sinful. First Peter 2:23 says that when He was reviled, He did not revile in return. He entrusted Himself to the One who judges righteously. Children need that example. They will not always be treated fairly. They will not always receive apologies. They will not always be understood.

They must learn that faithfulness does not depend on the other person behaving properly. Christ showed that strength is not found in uncontrolled retaliation. Strength is found in remaining obedient to God when wronged.

Teaching Anger in Everyday Life

Parents teach children about anger in ordinary conflicts:

They teach when a child loses a game.

They teach when siblings argue.

They teach when a child is corrected.

They teach when plans change.

They teach when someone speaks carelessly.

They teach when an apology is needed.

They teach by the way they handle their own frustration.

These moments are opportunities to form the heart.

Children must learn that anger is a powerful feeling, but it is not their master.

They may feel anger without becoming cruel.

They may confront wrong without seeking revenge.

They may speak truth without contempt.

They may be hurt without becoming bitter.

They may be corrected without rebelling.

They may learn, through Christ, to overcome evil with good.

Reflection Questions

1. Am I teaching my children that anger does not excuse sinful words or actions?

2. Do I help my children identify the selfish desires, pride, or fear beneath their anger?

3. How do I respond when my children shout, insult, strike, or withdraw in bitterness?

4. Am I modeling self-control and repentance when I become angry?

5. What practical steps can I teach my children to help them slow down, speak wisely, and resolve conflict biblically?

The next post will address how parents can teach their children contentment.