Why Should Children Learn Self-Control?

By Al Felder

Children need to learn self-control. Self-control is the ability to govern desires, words, emotions, actions, appetites, and impulses according to what is right. It teaches a child that he does not have to obey every feeling, say every thought, satisfy every desire, or react to every irritation. Without self-control, a child may become ruled by anger, laziness, appetite, entertainment, impatience, selfishness, or pride. He may learn to do whatever he feels in the moment and then excuse it afterward, but God did not design man to live as a slave to impulse.

Proverbs 25:28 says, “Whoever has no rule over his own spirit is like a city broken down, without walls.” A city without walls was exposed to danger. In the same way, a child without self-control is spiritually vulnerable. He can be easily led by temptation, emotion, pressure, and desire. Parents must teach children to rule their spirits before their spirits rule them.

Self-Control Begins With Submission to God

Self-control is not merely a personality trait. It is a spiritual responsibility. Children need to learn that their bodies, minds, words, and desires belong under God’s authority. They were not made to live by “I want,” “I feel,” or “I deserve.” They were made to live before the Lord.

First Corinthians 6:19-20 teaches that the body belongs to God and should be used to glorify Him. While the immediate context deals with sexual purity, the principle is larger: man is not his own. Children should learn early that their hands, mouths, eyes, thoughts, and choices must be governed by what pleases God.

A child may say, “I couldn’t help it.” Sometimes he may be describing a strong feeling, but parents should teach him that strong feelings do not remove responsibility. He may feel angry, but he must not hit. He may feel hungry, but he must not steal. He may feel tired, but he must still speak respectfully. He may feel tempted, but he must still choose what is right. Self-control begins when the child learns, “God’s will is greater than my desire.”

Self-Control Teaches Children to Say No

Children need to learn the power of no. Not every desire should be fulfilled. Not every opportunity should be taken. Not every invitation should be accepted. Not every thought should be entertained. Not every feeling should be followed. Titus 2:11-12 says the grace of God teaches us to deny ungodliness and worldly lusts and to live soberly, righteously, and godly. Grace does not train people to indulge every desire. It teaches denial. Parents must teach children that saying no to sin is part of faithful living.

Children can begin learning this in small ways.

No, I will not lie.

No, I will not speak disrespectfully.

No, I will not watch that.

No, I will not join that joke.

No, I will not take what is not mine.

No, I will not let anger control me.

No, I will not follow the crowd into wrong.

These decisions may seem small, but they build spiritual strength. A child who never learns to say no to small temptations will struggle when larger temptations come.

Self-Control Governs the Tongue

One of the first areas where children need self-control is speech. Children may say hurtful things when angry, foolish things when excited, dishonest things when afraid, or disrespectful things when corrected. They must learn that words are not harmless simply because they come quickly.

James 1:19 says, “Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.” Children need to learn slowness in speech. They should not answer before listening. They should not interrupt correction. They should not shout over others. They should not say everything they think. Proverbs 13:3 says, “He who guards his mouth preserves his life, but he who opens wide his lips shall have destruction.” A guarded mouth is part of a guarded heart.

Parents should teach children to ask:

Is this true?

Is this kind?

Is this respectful?

Is this necessary?

Will this help or hurt?

Does God want me to say this?

Self-control over speech will bless a child for life.

Self-Control Governs Anger

Anger is a powerful test of self-control. A child may feel wronged, embarrassed, frustrated, or disappointed, but anger must not be allowed to take command. Ephesians 4:26 says, “Be angry, and do not sin.” Anger may arise, but sin must not follow. Parents should teach children that anger does not give them permission to hit, scream, insult, threaten, slam doors, break things, or seek revenge. Another person’s wrong does not authorize their wrong.

Proverbs 16:32 says, “He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, And he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.” God values the person who can rule his spirit. A child may think strength is shown by winning a fight or shouting the loudest. Parents must teach that true strength is often shown by restraint. A child who can pause, speak calmly, tell the truth, seek help, and choose what is right while angry is learning godly strength.

Self-Control Governs Appetite

Children also need self-control over appetite. This includes food, sleep, comfort, entertainment, attention, play, and pleasure. A child who is never taught restraint may become ruled by whatever feels good. He may want more food than is wise, more screen time than is healthy, more attention than is proper, and more comfort than is helpful. First Corinthians 9:27 says, “But I discipline my body and bring it into subjection.” Paul understood that the body must be governed, not worshiped.

Parents should teach children that appetite is not master.

A child can wait for a meal.

A child can stop eating when enough has been given.

A child can turn off entertainment.

A child can go to bed when it is time.

A child can finish work before play.

A child can accept limits without complaint.

These lessons are not merely about household order. They teach that the body and its desires must remain under rule.

Self-Control Helps Children Resist Peer Pressure

Children will face pressure from others. They may be urged to join a joke, hide wrongdoing, watch sinful things, dress immodestly, speak disrespectfully, disobey parents, cheat, lie, or follow a crowd into foolishness. In those moments, self-control helps a child stop and choose what is right. Exodus 23:2 says, “You shall not follow a crowd to do evil.” The crowd may be loud, persuasive, funny, popular, or intimidating, but the crowd does not have authority to make wrong right.

Parents should prepare children before pressure comes. They can help children practice what to say and do:

“I cannot do that.”

“That is wrong.”

“I need to leave.”

“I am going to tell my parents.”

“I do not talk that way.”

“I will not watch that.”

Self-control is easier when the heart has been trained before temptation arrives.

Self-Control Requires Training, Not Just Wishing

Children do not develop self-control simply because parents want them to have it.

It must be trained. Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go.” Training requires repetition, correction, patience, instruction, practice, and consistency. Parents should not be surprised when children need the same lesson more than once.

Self-control grows through ordinary expectations.

Wait your turn.

Finish your chore.

Speak respectfully.

Tell the truth.

Sit reverently.

Do not interrupt.

Accept no.

Apologize.

Try again.

Put it away.

Stop when told.

These simple commands train the will. They teach the child to place duty above impulse.

Parents should not remove every difficulty from a child’s life. Waiting, working, sharing, obeying, and accepting disappointment are part of learning self-control.

Self-Control Must Be Encouraged and Corrected

Parents should encourage growth in self-control. When a child controls his anger, tell him. When he tells the truth though it is hard, commend him. When he waits patiently, notice it. When he accepts correction humbly, encourage him. Encouragement helps children see that self-control is good.

Parents must also correct a lack of self-control. If a child constantly interrupts, complains, grabs, shouts, hits, refuses limits, or collapses whenever denied, those patterns need training. Parents should not excuse them as harmless. They are habits that can grow stronger with time. Hebrews 12:11 reminds us that discipline may be painful in the moment, but it can yield “the peaceable fruit of righteousness.” Loving correction helps children grow. The goal is not merely outward calm. The goal is a heart learning to submit to what is right.

Parents Must Model Self-Control

Children learn self-control by watching their parents. They notice whether parents control their anger. They notice whether parents speak carefully. They notice whether parents complain constantly. They notice whether parents govern appetite, entertainment, spending, and time. They notice whether parents live by discipline or impulse.

A parent who loses control while demanding self-control from a child teaches contradiction. James 1:20 says, “For the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” Parents must not expect anger to produce holiness in their children. Correction must be given with purpose, firmness, patience, and love.

Parents should also admit when they fail. If a parent speaks harshly, he should apologize. If he acts impatiently, he should make it right. This teaches children that self-control applies to everyone. A home that teaches self-control must also practice it.

Self-Control Is Part of the Fruit of the Spirit

Galatians 5:22-23 lists self-control as part of the fruit of the Spirit. That means self-control belongs to spiritual maturity. It is not merely about making children easier to manage. It is about forming character that pleases God. Children need to understand that God wants them to become people who are governed by truth, not by impulse.

The works of the flesh include sinful desires and uncontrolled conduct. The fruit of the Spirit includes love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Parents must teach children to recognize the difference between being led by fleshly desire and living under God’s will. As children mature and obey the gospel, they must continue growing in this fruit. But the training begins long before adulthood.

Self-Control Prepares Children for Faithful Discipleship

Jesus said, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me” (Matthew 16:24). That is the heart of self-control. A disciple must deny himself. He must not treat personal desire as lord. He must be willing to give up sin, endure hardship, obey Christ, and follow God’s will even when it is difficult.

Parents who teach self-control are helping prepare children for discipleship. A child who learns to deny himself in small matters is being trained for larger matters. A child who learns to submit his desires to his parents is being prepared to submit his will to God. A child who learns that “I want” does not settle the matter is learning something essential for Christianity. No one can follow Christ faithfully while being ruled by self.

Teaching Self-Control in Everyday Life

Self-control is taught in ordinary moments.

It is taught when a child waits.

It is taught when he receives no.

It is taught when he controls his tongue.

It is taught when he stops before anger becomes sin.

It is taught when he turns away from wrong entertainment.

It is taught when he finishes work before play.

It is taught when parents model restraint.

It is taught when Scripture is opened and applied.

The world will teach children to follow their feelings, satisfy their desires, express every impulse, and resist restraint.

Parents must teach something better.

Teach them to rule their spirits.

Teach them to deny sinful desires.

Teach them to govern their words.

Teach them to control anger.

Teach them to wait.

Teach them to obey.

Teach them to follow Christ.

Self-control is not a small lesson. It is part of preparing a child to live faithfully before God.

Reflection Questions

1. Am I teaching my children that strong feelings do not excuse sinful words or actions?

2. Do I help my children practice saying no to wrong desires, peer pressure, and sinful entertainment?

3. Am I consistent in training my children to wait, listen, obey, and accept limits?

4. Do my children see self-control in my speech, anger, appetite, spending, entertainment, and time?

5. What ordinary situation this week can I use to help my children learn to rule their spirits?